SHE WAS NOWHERE NEAR HIS MOUTH
No wonder she looks so happy.
He was going for his waist before Altivo interrupted.
Not only did they get crunk but the second they smoked a… special cigar, this shit started happening:
Don’t get me started on El Dorado.
LET’S DO A REVIEW OF LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH
WE GOT THIS SHIT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT THANKS TO BERRY-SCENTED TUMBLR USER JENNYLOGGINS
I AM A HULKING, BURLY, MASCULINE MAN, SO USUALLY I USE OLD SPICE OR IRISH SPRING OR SOME MANLY SHIT LIKE THAT BUT TODAY I WAS OUT OF SOAP SO I USED THIS SHIT
FIRST OFF LET’S START WITH THE PACKAGING
THIS FUCKING RAINBOW-ASS UNICORN IS THERE IN THE SHOWER EVERY DAY, EVERY FUCKING DAY THIS LITTLE FAGGOT SITS THERE AND GIVES ME THAT SULTRY GAZE WHILE IM TRYING TO CLEAN MY VULNERABLE NAKED ASS
rub me on your body
ALSO IT’S WORTH NOTING THAT THIS SHIT COMES WITH A WARNING NOT ONLY TO KEEP IT OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN BUT THAT PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR SKIN CAN GIVE YOU RASHES AND PROBABLY UNICORN HERPES OR SOME OTHER SHIT
IDK ABOUT YALL BUT LAST I CHECKED THE EXACT PURPOSE OF BODY WASH IS PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR SKIN SO THAT RIGHT THERE WAS A RED FLAG BUT I PROCEEDED, ALBEIT WITH PROPER PRECAUTION AS TO AVOID APPLYING AROUND MY EYES AS DIRECTED BY THE PACKAGING OF LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH. ALSO IT SAYS TO KEEP IT OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THEY ARE MARKETING THIS PRODUCT NOT FOR CHILDREN BUT FOR GROWN MEN SUCH AS MYSELF
I APPLIED A GENEROUS AMOUNT TO MY HANDS TO BEGIN THE CLEANING.
i’m so fucked up
AND THAT WAS WHEN THE MOST POTENT SMELL OF ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED BERRY I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE HIT ME LIKE A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE
I NEARLY FELL OVER IN THE SHOWER. IT WAS SO FUCKING BERRY. IT WAS LIKE I MADE SWEET LOVE TO AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC BERRY WOMAN AND DOVE NOSE-FIRST INTO HER GUSHING FRUITY LOINS. THERE WAS NO FURTHER DOUBT THAT THIS WAS INDEED LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH. IT’S NO WONDER LISA FRANK’S ART IS ALL SO COLORFUL, SHE’S FUCKING HIGH AS BALLS HUFFING HER BERRY-ASS BODY WASH.
IT GOT ME CLEAN BUT I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM ALL THAT FUCKING BERRY. I UNDERSTAND THE WARNING LABEL NOW. THIS SHIT IS PROBABLY TOXIC TO SMALL CHILDREN, IT’LL BERRY THEIR FUCKING BRAIN CELLS TO DEATH. DO NOT TRUST THAT SULTRY UNICORN. YOU SEE THE MILKY WHITE COLOR IT’S PROBABLY HIS SPOOGE IN THAT BOTTLE IT’S NOT EVEN BODY WASH I JUST CLEANED MYSELF WITH BUBBLY BERRY UNICORN BATTER
0/10 WOULD NOT BERRY AGAIN
I tried so hard not to reblog
“Surviving death, separated by time, tests the bonds of love. The moment I saw her, I knew the bravest love is born again with each new day. The kind of love that makes the mundane marvel, that bewilders with its magnificence until fate’s cruel hand intervened and in the blink of an eye, Katrina was lost to me.”
Anonymous asked: OH MY GOD DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT JOHN IS FUCKING MARRIED TO A WOMAN IN THE BOOK?!?!? IF THEY DON'T MAKE JOHN STRAIGHT, IT WILL BE A GREAT INJUSTICE DONE TO BOTH THE AUTHOR AND THE BOOKS.
Ah, hello, Person Of Immense Politeness. I suspect you’re here to talk about my OTP. Luckily for you, I’m in a good mood, so I’m going to go through this nice and rationally.
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am aware of that. As it happens, I’m an English literature student, and have not only read all 4 novels and 56 short stories, but studied them in depth. I’m writing a series of essays on them at present, actually.
- Perhaps you’re unaware of other adaptations, so let me inform you that in The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, Holmes is gay, in Elementary, Watson is a woman, Moriarty is also Irene Adler and the series is set in New York, and in Basil the Great Mouse Detective, the characters are mice. Also, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle cared very little for Sherlock Holmes, and, despite claiming that ‘Holmes is as inhuman as a Babbage’s Calculating Machine, and just about as likely to fall in love’ in 1892, he later wrote a play, and when appealed to by William Gillette, who was to portray Holmes, for permission to alter his character, Doyle replied ‘You may marry him, murder him, or do anything you like to him.' HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT HIS CHARACTERS BEING ALTERED.
- You are completely avoiding historical social context. In the Victorian era, MEN COULD NOT MARRY MEN AND WOMEN COULD NOT MARRY WOMEN. In fact, the Marriage Equality Bill was only passed in England THIS YEAR. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s close friend, Oscar Wilde, was sentenced to two years of hard labour which so severely damaged his health that he died 3 years later, because of UNPROVEN CLAIMS that he was a sodomite, i.e. homosexual. Do you know what was used against him in court? The Picture of Dorian Gray. HIS NOVEL. Because it contained homoerotic subtext. Doyle wanted to portray Watson as a heart in contrast to Holmes’ head, and as such, he had to be romantic. HETEROROMANCE WAS THE ONLY OPTION IN THE ERA IN WHICH HE WAS WRITING.
- MEN DON’T HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT TO MARRY WOMEN. Wilde himself was gay, and he was married to a woman called Constance Lloyd. In the Victorian era, marriage was nowhere near so much based on love as it is today - it was about money, power, status, convenience, all kinds of things. Now, I do believe that Watson loved Mary Morstan, but this context is important to recognise. Now, onto BBC Sherlock: in the 21st century, far more sexual and romantic orientations are recognised. Bisexual and pansexual men marry women. That doesn’t make them unable to also feel love or attraction for men. In fact, even straight people are capable of finding themselves sexually and/or romantically attracted to a member of the same sex. In any case, to quote Performance in a Leading Role:
'I find the concept of binary sexual identity limiting and improbable. As with all else about human beings, sexual responsiveness exists on a continually changing scale that is affected by a dizzying array of variables, so there’s no point in attempting to predetermine a pointless and ultimately confining label.'
- The writers were influenced by The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes and deliberately establish homoerotic and homoromantic subtext.
- This may come as a surprise to you, but I DON’T WANT MY OTP TO BE CANON. Yes, that’s right. I view Holmes (both in the books and in BBC Sherlock) as aromantic (see the above quote on Babbages Calculating Machines from Doyle), and as an aromantic person, and thus someone who belongs to a severely underrepresented group, I would actually be quite upset if Sherlock were written into a relationship with John or anyone else within the programme, but contrary to popular belief, it is very possible to enjoy fandom as a separate entity from canon. Yes, I enjoy reading fanfiction and looking at fanart in which Sherlock & John are portrayed as a romantic couple, because I am interested in what dynamic that kind of relationship between them would take. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I ACTUALLY WANT IT TO HAPPEN ON-SCREEN. Wow. Big concept, I know. Take a minute.
- Shipping makes me happy. Fandom makes me happy. Sherlock makes me happy. I think it extremely rude of you to come into my ask box under the cowardly guise of anonymity to try to take that happiness away from me (you failed completely, I might add), when it literally affects you in exactly 0 ways.
So, in conclusion:
SOMEONE JUST MENTIONED THIS POST TO ME AND I REMEMBERED THAT I RECEIVED IT AT 4AM JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO BED AND I’D HIT POST LIMIT BUT I STAYED UP UNTIL 5AM JUST TO ANSWER IT OH MY GOD PAST SELF
Side thought. I don’t read him as gay in Private LIfe. I think there is no real evidence of his sexual preference.
This is not a thing I’ve read. So idk. I just hate the idea that a character can only be straight because he was married to a woman. Like, lol no. There are so many other interpretations and jfc, you can even stray from canon if you like! ACD doesn’t give a shit.
in acd canon irene adler married a man (and was romantically/sexually involved with at least one other man before that), but in bbc sherlock she declares herself a lesbian
of course in acd canon irene adler wasn’t in love with sherlock holmes, wasn’t evil, and didn’t lose, so APPARENTLY anon is more interested in john watson’s heterosexuality (and erasing any sexuality but straight and gay) than in, like, actual acd canon
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS FOREVER
This is honestly my new favorite thing on the internet now.
errbody looks good in heels
This is great.